2007-10-11
I think I'm unsure of what I'm feeling right now. I'd say it's a cross between dejection and uncertainty. Are you intending to be rude to me and make me walk away or are you just unsure of how to handle yourself in a relationship?
It's got me feeling like walking away,
Like turning on my heel and walking in the other direction.
I have no desire to be hurt again...
no desire to be undesired.
I can bad all by myself.
I can't read you,
don't know what you're trying to tell me.
My uncertainty coupled with my past only leaves me more confused and wanting to walk away. If I base my decision on the past, I'd have to leave in order to protect me.
Because no one's going to look out for me like I can look out for myself. No one, except God. And maybe He's telling me to look out for me...
Then you say things like, "Everything has to be so nice for you."
And, "Oh, because I didn't say it nicely enough..."
And those sentences echo in my head and the bitterness behind them creeps into my thoughts so much so that I woke up this morning with a headache and a bad stomach. Somethings got to give...is it me or is it you? Or is it this?
I just don't know what to do...sometimes the things you do make me feel so unloved, so left out there all alone. And I've been here before...I've stood in the gap before. But it's just too soon, too fresh, for me to embark upon that task once again. I can't lay myself out there so early for you and not receive the same in return. Where is your compromise, your compassion, your nurturing side? Who's going to hold me when I want to cry? Who's going to kiss me on the forehead and tell me it's okay? Who's going to love me in spite of all that I do? Why do I feel like I constantly give all of me in return for a short stick? And I tell myself time and time again that I'm going to just leave you out there dangling one day so you can see how it feels, but my heart won' t let me do that. So I'm torn...stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I run away and give up, am I even giving up or am I simply tired of trying to make it work? Trying to force it? Are you where you want to be? Or are you attempting to elevate to another level with me as a team? Is this what God has for me? I don't think people are supposed to give and give and receive nothing in return...not in relationships at least. That means there's only one person in the relationship...the person who's giving all of themselves.
When I voice my opinion or frustrations, it's always, "You always complain." Or "Nothing is ever good enough." And I feel like I'm stuck always arguing a case to a judge and jury instead of talking to an equal who I'm in a relationship with. Everything has to be validated by your rules, your standards...otherwise, it's not valid to you. That leaves me feeling dejected and silly for the way I feel and no one should be made to feel that way. My feelings are valid, just like every humans are. I deserve to be heard. I deserve to be able to feel like I can talk about my feelings without being placed on trial.
I want you to be warm, loving, caring, nurturing. And part of me realizes that may be difficult based on experiences in your life. But that same part of me also realizes that I've accepted and adapted to some of the things you do because of your experiences in your life. But there comes a point where I won't sacrifice. I want my relationship to be warm and fuzzy. A relationship doesn't come "No Assembly Required," it takes work from both ends. Hard work at that. You don't just pull out you "relationship directions" and follow #1-10 in this situation and 11-13 for an argument...and let's not forget 14-19 when she's upset. That's not how it works! Every person is different, every person requires different responses, touches, words even. So why come into this like just because you're a good person and you do the right thing, that's supposed to be enough. There are millions of great people who do great things that get divorced every year. It's so much deeper than that. It's about truly understanding what your partner wants/needs and working to make sure you provide that. It's about growing together as a team and not just growing as individuals. It's about compromising and sacrifice. They say that loves conquers all...so I'm wondering, is this love, or just some imitation? If it were love, would you work on being more feeling because you know that's what's important to me? Just like I've worked on not being so feeling because I know it's not easy for you? And don't get me wrong, there are places where you've grown so much. Oftentimes I can say something to you and you may not respond but I'll notice a difference the next time. So perhaps it is love...then there are times like this where I feel so (for lack of a better word) shitty inside and you don't provide any peace or compassion. It's in these times that I'm left feeling so unsettled and confused. It's during these times that I wake up with headaches and a sick stomach. It's during these times that I need someone to love me right where I am. It's during these times that I need you to connect with the feeling side of you because that's what I'm missing right now. That's what I need...I need to connect with the feeling part of me that I disconnected in order to accommodate. I need to be reminded of the reasons that we fell in love, I need to be told that you still feel the same way and that you're in this for those reasons still. Not just out of respect or because our lives are connected in so many ways.
As Jay says..."Where is the love?"
It's got me feeling like walking away,
Like turning on my heel and walking in the other direction.
I have no desire to be hurt again...
no desire to be undesired.
I can bad all by myself.
I can't read you,
don't know what you're trying to tell me.
My uncertainty coupled with my past only leaves me more confused and wanting to walk away. If I base my decision on the past, I'd have to leave in order to protect me.
Because no one's going to look out for me like I can look out for myself. No one, except God. And maybe He's telling me to look out for me...
Then you say things like, "Everything has to be so nice for you."
And, "Oh, because I didn't say it nicely enough..."
And those sentences echo in my head and the bitterness behind them creeps into my thoughts so much so that I woke up this morning with a headache and a bad stomach. Somethings got to give...is it me or is it you? Or is it this?
I just don't know what to do...sometimes the things you do make me feel so unloved, so left out there all alone. And I've been here before...I've stood in the gap before. But it's just too soon, too fresh, for me to embark upon that task once again. I can't lay myself out there so early for you and not receive the same in return. Where is your compromise, your compassion, your nurturing side? Who's going to hold me when I want to cry? Who's going to kiss me on the forehead and tell me it's okay? Who's going to love me in spite of all that I do? Why do I feel like I constantly give all of me in return for a short stick? And I tell myself time and time again that I'm going to just leave you out there dangling one day so you can see how it feels, but my heart won' t let me do that. So I'm torn...stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I run away and give up, am I even giving up or am I simply tired of trying to make it work? Trying to force it? Are you where you want to be? Or are you attempting to elevate to another level with me as a team? Is this what God has for me? I don't think people are supposed to give and give and receive nothing in return...not in relationships at least. That means there's only one person in the relationship...the person who's giving all of themselves.
When I voice my opinion or frustrations, it's always, "You always complain." Or "Nothing is ever good enough." And I feel like I'm stuck always arguing a case to a judge and jury instead of talking to an equal who I'm in a relationship with. Everything has to be validated by your rules, your standards...otherwise, it's not valid to you. That leaves me feeling dejected and silly for the way I feel and no one should be made to feel that way. My feelings are valid, just like every humans are. I deserve to be heard. I deserve to be able to feel like I can talk about my feelings without being placed on trial.
I want you to be warm, loving, caring, nurturing. And part of me realizes that may be difficult based on experiences in your life. But that same part of me also realizes that I've accepted and adapted to some of the things you do because of your experiences in your life. But there comes a point where I won't sacrifice. I want my relationship to be warm and fuzzy. A relationship doesn't come "No Assembly Required," it takes work from both ends. Hard work at that. You don't just pull out you "relationship directions" and follow #1-10 in this situation and 11-13 for an argument...and let's not forget 14-19 when she's upset. That's not how it works! Every person is different, every person requires different responses, touches, words even. So why come into this like just because you're a good person and you do the right thing, that's supposed to be enough. There are millions of great people who do great things that get divorced every year. It's so much deeper than that. It's about truly understanding what your partner wants/needs and working to make sure you provide that. It's about growing together as a team and not just growing as individuals. It's about compromising and sacrifice. They say that loves conquers all...so I'm wondering, is this love, or just some imitation? If it were love, would you work on being more feeling because you know that's what's important to me? Just like I've worked on not being so feeling because I know it's not easy for you? And don't get me wrong, there are places where you've grown so much. Oftentimes I can say something to you and you may not respond but I'll notice a difference the next time. So perhaps it is love...then there are times like this where I feel so (for lack of a better word) shitty inside and you don't provide any peace or compassion. It's in these times that I'm left feeling so unsettled and confused. It's during these times that I wake up with headaches and a sick stomach. It's during these times that I need someone to love me right where I am. It's during these times that I need you to connect with the feeling side of you because that's what I'm missing right now. That's what I need...I need to connect with the feeling part of me that I disconnected in order to accommodate. I need to be reminded of the reasons that we fell in love, I need to be told that you still feel the same way and that you're in this for those reasons still. Not just out of respect or because our lives are connected in so many ways.
As Jay says..."Where is the love?"
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