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it's Cracked, and it's starting to Leak  

I realize now that just because you've been friends with someone for a long time or because you've thought they were a certain way, doesn't mean they have to stay your friend or that they are who you thought they were. I think at times that I'm too compassionate about my friends and too concerned about their well being, I mean, hell...I should just let them walk off a cliff. That's what real friends do apparently. I don't know how to turn my back and let them walk off the cliff. I don't know how to separate myself from them in a respect way when they question the very decisions that they're am I supposed to support them? It's unfair. So in turn, I end up growing increasingly annoyed or irritated with a situation because it's like you don't know what you're doing, so you ask your friends for advice, but then continuously go against the advice...what's the point of asking for the advice then? And I know, I know...I've read the articles that say when a friend asks you for advice and then doesn't take it, you have no right to get mad, but is that really possible? I mean it?
I almost feel like at times I hate that egg, it's rotten, it stinks and I want no parts of it. At one point, I thought it was hard boiled and sure to never spoil or crack. But as life wears on, the shell is cracking, and at this point...the egg is starting to leak everywhere. And I can't hide it or pretend anymore. Sometimes I want nothing to do with you, I don't even want to look at your face. And it makes me sad that I feel this way. I wish I could control it, because it really isn't a conscious decision to be mean or rude. It's more of a conscious decision to try to keep what's left of the egg inside of the shell. Kind of put it in a ziplock back and then it'll always be there. It won't stink too badly because it'll be sealed in the bag. And from the outside, it still looks like an egg. Sure, it's cracked a little, but it's still an egg. But if I don't put it in a ziplock bag, it'll ooze out everywhere and eventually stink up everything and then someone will come clean or wipe it up, throwing the rotten remains into the trash or down the drain. Then the egg is gone, there are no traces of it.
At times it almost feels like a curse to care so do you get away from it? When it's always in your face and you're the only person who knows how to handle this egg? When it's always you who has to pick up the pieces and glue this egg back together, when it's you who has stood there time and time again only to be let down. And I know that's what friendships are about, but what do you do when you don't feel like it's worth it anymore. When you want to just throw the stinking egg away. Shit, I'm tired of this damn egg, it stinks like hell and it's stinking up my life and the smell reeks so badly that it permeates into my happiness at times. Now that's a rotten egg.
And I don't mean to sound all negative because it's not...but I'd say when 65% of the time, your friendship stinks, it's rotting. Period. Then it's like you can't say hurtful things to someone and I'm not a hateful person, so I pray about it and keep it all inside. Or I burden my dear friends with it, then they have to carry it with me as well. I don't even know if I can say it nicely...I don't even know if I have anything nice to instead I ignore it and pray, hoping that God will heal and it'll go away. No, I don't want to talk about it, there's nothing to talk about...If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. But I do think it's sad and it stinks when you've gone through your entire adult life thinking something was a certain way, and then discover that someone has been faking the entire time. Who are you? What do you stand for? Do you love yourself? What do you really believe?
I won't get into super personal questions...but....what do you do when you realize that you're starting to dislike one of your oldest friends? Mostly because you realize that the person they claimed to be and the person you thought they were, they really aren't....


Tuesday Randomness  

As I dragged myself out of bed this morning, I began to have random thoughts that just started appearing out of nowhere...perhaps from a state of sleep deprivation. Anyway...

Why is it that sometimes something can bother you and you just can't shake it and other times things seem to roll off your back very easily? Is this depending on the person who's offended you, or is it you being crazy?

Why don't the toilet paper rolls at work have "sheets?" It's just one huge roll and it really bothers me that I can't tear off a perfect sqare or "sheet." Perhaps it's cheaper to buy it with no "sheets" so that's what employers opt to do?

Why do only state and government agencies mostly recognize Columbus Day? Was Columbus not great enough for everyone to get his day off? If not, then why does he have a holiday in the first place? I mean what's the point of a holiday if no one celebrates it?

Why are people judging Barack Obama by his skin color and his name rather than the content of his character? Did I miss something, or are we not responsible for choosing our own names? Excuse me mom, but I'd rather be named Bob instead of Barack. Excuse me God, but I'd rather be white because life is easier that way and people don't always assume you know the latest rap or foolish hip hop song. or that your family has gold teeth. or my personal favorite that your church is like Rev. Wright's.

Why didn't I get a house based on what every bank told me I could afford? I guess the smart people are either in apartments or houses they can afford? Yeah, they definitely are...

Why did I try a recipe last night randomly from the back of the stuffing box and it was delicious? No seriously, it was pretty good...delicious may be a stretch, but definitely good comfort food and it had like 5 ingredients, can we say cheap?

Why do people always ask the woman who's been in a relationship if they're close to being engaged? Isn't that the man's job to propose? I'm just saying...How is she supposed to know when he's going to ask or if they're close? And why is it that people look at her unsatisfactorily when she says yes, we've talked about it?

Why don't people care that a state investigator reported that Palin did in fact abuse her power and put unfair pressure on her suboordinates to get her brother-in-law fired? If Biden did that, is it fair to say the GOP would be all over it?

Why in the new blogger does the spellcheck only show up sometimes? Like it has a mind of it's own..."nah, I don't feel like checking your words today."

Why do I watch the Hills on Mondays now only so I can take the online fashion & beauty quizzes posted by the Sugar network that are like 5 questions each? Sad, but true...the Hills is letting me down this season.

Okay, I think that's it for now...


I Believe  

It dawned on me the other day that I've spent a quarter of a century on this Earth, and I have some personal beliefs that I stick to regardless. No matter how silly or trivial they may seem to others, no matter what they govern, they do govern. So I decided that I should document as many of these as possible. I plan to update or post again under this category...perhaps update, anyway...we'll see.

I Believe...

  • High heels are sexy and can make a white t-shirt and jeans one of the sexiest outfits on this planet. I love high heels, they're feminine, sassy and sexy.
  • A man should pursue a woman. If he really wants you, he'll pursue you regardless.
  • SPF is an essential part of one's daily routine.
  • Faith is absolutely essential to making it on this Earth.
  • Having groomed eyebrows, they make a plain face like a piece of artwork.
  • Every woman must know when to throw in the towel and walk away because she has to love herself more.
  • Family is the most important thing on this Earth. They shape and mold the people we become.
  • True friendships are when you don't have to talk to the person everyday and you know that you could still call them at any moment if necessary.
  • Friends should add wisdom and clarity to your life, not drain you emotionally.
  • Happiness is a choice, look around you and find things to be happy about.
  • Style is more about swagger than anything else.
  • Being rich isn't a measure of how much money you have or the items that you own, it's a personal mindset and is different for every person.
  • Money does not equal happiness. I've never seen it, and I don't believe it...I don't care what people say or claim.
  • Taking care of my me old fashion, it is what it is.
  • Shoes can make any outfit. I'm so serious.
  • You never know who you may run into...
  • It's a blessing to have a circle of 4 friends or more that can all hang out together.
  • All men come back for a good thing they were too silly to recognize at first, and oftentimes it's too late.
  • Women will sometimes risk everything in order to not be alone, sad but true.
  • Saving money from the first paycheck you ever get. You'll be so happy you did.
  • Investing money in a retirement plan, starting with your first paycheck ever. Imagine the possibilities.
  • In the power of education.
  • God opens doors when we least expect Him to.
  • God often has to close doors in order to get our attention.
  • There's a lesson to be learned from every situation, seek and grow from it.
  • In good old American football! It's a great sport.
  • That learning to sew on a button is something everyone should learn to do.
  • A true friendship can stand through any test.
  • In true love.
  • That true love is a state of mind, a conscious choice to commit your life to making someone other than yourself happy.
  • That a woman can do anything she puts her mind to and her heart in.