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2008-10-17

it's Cracked, and it's starting to Leak  

I realize now that just because you've been friends with someone for a long time or because you've thought they were a certain way, doesn't mean they have to stay your friend or that they are who you thought they were. I think at times that I'm too compassionate about my friends and too concerned about their well being, I mean, hell...I should just let them walk off a cliff. That's what real friends do apparently. I don't know how to turn my back and let them walk off the cliff. I don't know how to separate myself from them in a respect way when they question the very decisions that they're making...how am I supposed to support them? It's unfair. So in turn, I end up growing increasingly annoyed or irritated with a situation because it's like you don't know what you're doing, so you ask your friends for advice, but then continuously go against the advice...what's the point of asking for the advice then? And I know, I know...I've read the articles that say when a friend asks you for advice and then doesn't take it, you have no right to get mad, but is that really possible? I mean seriously...is it?
I almost feel like at times I hate that egg, it's rotten, it stinks and I want no parts of it. At one point, I thought it was hard boiled and sure to never spoil or crack. But as life wears on, the shell is cracking, and at this point...the egg is starting to leak everywhere. And I can't hide it or pretend anymore. Sometimes I want nothing to do with you, I don't even want to look at your face. And it makes me sad that I feel this way. I wish I could control it, because it really isn't a conscious decision to be mean or rude. It's more of a conscious decision to try to keep what's left of the egg inside of the shell. Kind of put it in a ziplock back and then it'll always be there. It won't stink too badly because it'll be sealed in the bag. And from the outside, it still looks like an egg. Sure, it's cracked a little, but it's still an egg. But if I don't put it in a ziplock bag, it'll ooze out everywhere and eventually stink up everything and then someone will come clean or wipe it up, throwing the rotten remains into the trash or down the drain. Then the egg is gone, there are no traces of it.
At times it almost feels like a curse to care so much...how do you get away from it? When it's always in your face and you're the only person who knows how to handle this egg? When it's always you who has to pick up the pieces and glue this egg back together, when it's you who has stood there time and time again only to be let down. And I know that's what friendships are about, but what do you do when you don't feel like it's worth it anymore. When you want to just throw the stinking egg away. Shit, I'm tired of this damn egg, it stinks like hell and it's stinking up my life and the smell reeks so badly that it permeates into my happiness at times. Now that's a rotten egg.
And I don't mean to sound all negative because it's not...but I'd say when 65% of the time, your friendship stinks, it's rotting. Period. Then it's like you can't say hurtful things to someone and I'm not a hateful person, so I pray about it and keep it all inside. Or I burden my dear friends with it, then they have to carry it with me as well. I don't even know if I can say it nicely...I don't even know if I have anything nice to say...so instead I ignore it and pray, hoping that God will heal and it'll go away. No, I don't want to talk about it, there's nothing to talk about...If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. But I do think it's sad and it stinks when you've gone through your entire adult life thinking something was a certain way, and then discover that someone has been faking the entire time. Who are you? What do you stand for? Do you love yourself? What do you really believe?
I won't get into super personal questions...but....what do you do when you realize that you're starting to dislike one of your oldest friends? Mostly because you realize that the person they claimed to be and the person you thought they were, they really aren't....

What next?

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1 comments: to “ it's Cracked, and it's starting to Leak

  • E. "Bluntastic" Pizzler, the Fourth
    October 17, 2008 at 4:37 PM  

    Wow...tis muy deep my friend. it's so hard when you think someone is a certain way and they end up not being the person you thought they were - the person they said they were. All I can suggest is prayer. God seems to be the only person who can truly control the outcome. Sometimes he does allow you to let it go. Other times, he makes it so you have to stay. I'm not going to tell you a bunch of cliche's - its hard, I understand. And if you need to let it all out - I'm here. If not, the blog is there too :)